Do you ever wonder when you were the happiest in your life? For me and most likely for a lot of other people, it was shortly after I was born. I mean we all have happy times, happy events and happy special occasions like the first or last marriage, first or last baby, first or last kiss. But when I think about it; after the doctor hung me by my heels and then slapped my pudgy little bottom for the first time until I let out a painful bellow that I'm sure is still reverberating in the halls of the Prince George General Hospital for almost 70 years now, the best time of my life had to have been when I was just a wee, cuddly babe. Yup, thanks for the mammories mom; (a walkin', talkin' food supply) from my first day of birth until I was weaned, all I had to do was wrap my mouth around a swollen hard nipple and suck away; warm, tasty milk by the gulp every time I made a fuss (perhaps that's why to this very day, I'm still partial to a woman's breasts).
Talk about being the centre of attention. Didn't matter if I looked like a cutsie cherub or Sir Winston Churchill; everyone, I mean everyone including strangers casually walking down the street that stopped, curled back the corner of the little blue blanket to take a look at wee Lenny sucking on his little pink thumb, thought I was just the most adorable little baby. Even if I happened to projectile vomit at that particular moment, they would simply smile and comment, "Aww, look, you made a little messy all over yourself and in my face too. But that's alright, mommy's going to clean you all up." I could do no wrong, fill my diapers, pee on someone - it was just the cutest thing ever. I'd hate to do that now - I'd be in "the home" so fast, the wind on my face would wipe out all the wrinkles. Of course my dad was as proud as a peacock, struttin' all around, a permanent smile pressed into his face as he passed out cigars to his friends and relatives saying, "That's my boy!" Which of course was followed by, "Aww, he looks just like you; he has no teeth." (I never knew my father with teeth - he had them all out when he was a young man and never wore dentures - found out the hard way that a person doesn't really have to have teeth - yup, he bit me!)
Unlike some babies when they're born, they're as bald as a McIntosh apple and just as red; I had a full head of blonde curly hair and my complexion was pink, which of course just drove the women wild (even as I grew older, the girls just loved my curly hair) and what's a baby or a guy to do, why of course, take advantage of one's assets - over the years, many a girl and young woman have ran their fingers through my curly tresses - have to say it feels rather nice too!) For the first time anyone saw me they would say, "Aww, look at all those shiny blonde curls! (They're platinum blonde now, actually wavy and white.) Aww, look at those big blue eyes! (They're dark brown now.) And, "Aww, look at that big smile!" (Still smilin' after all these years.) I of course can't remember what my first word was but it wouldn't surprise me if it was "aww".
How can being a baby, not be the happiest time in my life. I mean no worries, no bills, no commitments and no taxes - it has to be the best time in a person's life. I got to be cuddled and cooed all the time; fed faster than a McDonald's take-out window; I could do no wrong. I even had my own personal serenader, "Mama's gonna love you, yes I am - mama's gonna love you my little man." And if I bawled in the middle of the night, screamed bloody murder - what was my reward - my mom's breast to suck on while she rocked me in her arms - I mean hey, it doesn't get any better than that. Yup, without a doubt, the happiest time of my life was when I was just a wee, widdow baby in my mommy's arms. No doubt about it the best suit I ever wore, including the fancy tuxedo at my last wedding, was my baby fat!
Here's a little ditty I just wrote for this blog; I can hum it, sing it, but I can't write the music.
Take Me Back to My Baby Fat
(Chorus)
Take me back; take me back
When I was just a bundle of baby fat
Looked so cute; could do no wrong
Awwwwwwwwwwwww - cut me some slack!
I'm pushin' seventy, aint a spring chicken
Grouchy and pouchy, bent and slouchy
Got most of my teeth, that's a good thing
But my hair - more where there was none
And none where there should be some
Awwwwwwwwwwww - cut me some slack!
(Repeat the Chorus)
The golden, goldy years"; nah, they're mouldy years
Achy and breaky, slow and quaky
Mind like a steel trap, now where's the key
Forgotten more than I've ever learned
And don't wanna learn no more
Awwwwwwwwwwww - cut me some slack!
(Repeat the Chorus)
Don't know where I'm goin'; doesn't matter much
Grouchy, pouchy, achy or quaky
I'm on my way out, don't give a damn
Life's been a blast, may not be the end
And if it is, that's awright
Awwwwwwwwwwww - cut me some slack!
(Last Chorus same as the first)
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