My wife Sarah and I went to the auction yesterday afternoon - not so much to buy something but to sell something - Jacques - our overly romantic horny billy goat that has continually sprayed himself with urine to apparently, over the past couple of months, in order to make himself more attractive to entice his one and only true love Freya to do the vertical boogie with him. The only thing seemingly to be more important to Jacques, other than dousing himself with yellow urine like many women do with perfume and mating with Freya is FOOD! (Isn't that how many women get men - through their bellies?) That being said is how we lured this Don Juan of goats into the back of Buddy - our 1/2 ton diesel truck and then drove him to Florenceville to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. Besides Jacques, another goat was to come under the gavel and the sing-song - "Who'll give me fifty, how about thirty-five, sold to the bearded farmer in the back row with the red bandanna wrapped around his head to keep his pigtail in place and the day-glo suspenders holding his massive beer-gut from dragging on the floor - how long ago has it been since you last saw your dick sir?" The little white goat and I mean LITTLE white goat sold for 20 bucks, so I thought since our billy goat was at least 3 to 4 times larger we would get at the very least $60. However, we were happy when whoever bought him for less than what Sarah paid, I think it was a lady wearing an eye patch covering one eye and a monocle as thick as my finger for the other eye, exclaiming "He's just adorable, I've never seen a goat with a yellow face before." Something tells me, by the size of the wart on the tip of her nose, that he would soon be simmering in a cauldron, along with a basketful of poison mushrooms and bat wings.
I've been to quite a few auctions over the years, several of them being auctions regarding livestock and I knew enough not to raise my hand hastily or nod towards the auctioneer whenever I had to scratch my head but wouldn't you know it, I bought something I didn't know I was bidding on. There were several men dressed in very informal outfits such as coveralls and work pants held up by thick suspenders that could probably be used to haul a semi truck out of the ditch or strap a strapping bull that had his gonads dragging on the ground. They were all holding something up for the spectators to bid on and because the auctioneer was rambling on, with the microphone darn near jammed down his throat far enough to tickle his larynx, it was hard to understand what he was muttering about. I'm thinking I'm bidding on a white hose that's safe for drinking water and was willing to go as high as 20 bucks. Luckily for me since I had won the bid and there were 2 white hoses, so I could actually buy them both for $20. each, I told the auctioneer I only wanted one. Sarah was laughing her head off when I realized I'd bought a gallon of Fleecy, something to make a person's clothes fluff up and smell nice. However, I did manage to win the bid on the hose - only 15 bucks - what a bargain for a brand new 50' hose. When I picked up the Fleecy, I told the guy handing me the gallon jug that I'd just bought some sheep and they smelled real bad and that Fleecy would make their fleece fluff up and they would all smell as nice as spring time fresh air - to which of course he looked at me very oddly - probably thought, rank amateur, which of course would have been the truth.
The last I saw of Jacques, he was still tied to the wall in a small stall waiting to be picked up and either driven or rode to his new home, I think that one-eyed witch had a broom though - so he'd just have to trot along behind her. We're hoping with Jacques gone now, things around the barnyard will settle down a little bit, especially since he was more of a bully goat than a billy goat. I'm presuming Freya will enjoy not being mounted every time she turned her back on Jacques and I know Luki, our Great Pyrenees dog won't miss getting butted on a daily basis. Me, I started singing this little ditty when the auctioneer yelled, "Sold" - "Hit the road Jacques and don't come back no more, no more - hit the road Jacques and don't you come back no more!" - cheers - eh!
No comments:
Post a Comment